A new York Divorce Lawyer died
and
arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you
done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then
said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the
street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and
after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.
Saint
Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite
enough
to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's
more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint
Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this,
too, had been verified.
Saint Peter then whispered to
Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we
do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

Each man gives a story
Three men were standing in line to
get into heaven one day. Apparently
it had been a pretty busy day,
though, so Peter had to tell the first
one, "Heaven's getting
pretty close to full today, and I've been
asked to admit only people
who have had particularly horrible deaths. So
what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my
wife
has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to
catch her
red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I
could tell
something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't
reveal where this
other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went
out to the balcony, and
sure enough, there was this man hanging off
the railing, 25 floors
above ground! By now I was really mad, so I
started beating on him and
kicking him, but wouldn't you know it,
he wouldn't fall off. So finally I
went back into my apartment
and got a hammer and starting hammering on
his fingers. Of
course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go
and fell -- but
even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned
but okay. I
couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen,
grabbed the
fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him,
killing
him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a
heart attack and died there on the balcony."
"That sounds like a
pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the
man in.
The
second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being
full, and again asks for his story.
"It's been a very strange
day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of
my apartment building, and
every morning I do my exercises out on my
balcony. Well, this
morning I must have slipped or something, because I
fell over the edge.
But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the
balcony on the f
loor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when
suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was
saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best
I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and
started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got
lucky
and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just
when I was
thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes
falling out of
the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm
here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a
pretty
horrible death.
The third man came to the front of the
line, and again Peter explained
that heaven was full and asked for
his story.
"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding
inside a
refrigerator..."
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Three men died in a car accident and
met
Jesus himself at the Pearly Gates.
The Lord spoke unto
them saying, "I will ask you each a simple
question. If you tell the
truth I will allow you into heaven, but if you
lie....Hell is
waiting for you.
To the first man the Lord asked, "How many times
did you cheat on your
wife?" The first man replied, "Lord, I was a
good husband. I never
cheated on my wife." The Lord replied, "Very
good! Not only will I
allow you in, but for being faithful to your
wife I will give you a huge
mansion and a limo for your
transportation.
To the second man the Lord asked, "How many times did you
cheat on
your wife?" The second man replied, "Lord, I cheated on my
wife twice."
The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come in, but for
your
unfaithfulness, you will get a four- bedroom house and a BMW.

To the third man the Lord asked, "So, how many times did y
ou cheat on
your wife?" The third man replied, "Lord, I cheated on
my wife about
8 times." The Lord replied, "I will allow you to come
in, but for
your unfaithfulness, you will get a one-room apartment,
and a Yugo for
your transportation.
A couple hours later
the second and third men saw the first man crying
his eyes out. "Why
are you crying?" the two men asked. "You got the
mansion and limo!"
The first man replied, "I'm crying because I saw
my wife a little
while ago, and she was riding a skateboard!"
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A fellow finds himself in front of
the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in
heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.
For
example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St.
Peter
told him that's bad.
Was he generous? give money to the poor?
Charities? No? St. Peter told
him that that too was bad.
Did
he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter
was becoming concerned.
Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody
does something nice
sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help.
Now think!"
The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of
a store and
found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They
had taken her purse
and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing
her.
I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the
crowd, and got
her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I t
hen went up to the
biggest, baddest biker and told him how
despicable, cowardly and mean he
was and then spat in his face".

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"?

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.
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Three buddies die in a car crash, and
they go to heaven to an
orientation.
They are all asked,
"When you are in your casket and friends and
family are mourning upon
you, what would you like to hear them say about
you? The first guy
says, "I would like to hear them say that I was a
great doctor of
my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would
like to hear that I was a wonderful
husband and school teacher
which made a huge difference in our children of
tomorrow."
The
last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, "Look! He's
moving!"
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St. Peter is questioning three married
couples to see if they qualify for admittance to
heaven.
"Why do you deserve to pass the Pearly Gates?" he asks one of the
men,
who had been a butler.
"I was a good father," he
answers.
"Yes, but you were a drunk all your life. In fact, you were so bad you
even married a woman named Sherry. No admittance."
St. Peter
then turned to the next man, a carpenter, and asked him the
same
question.
The carpenter replied that he had worked hard and taken
good care of
his family.
But St. Peter also rejected him,
pointing out that he had been an
impossible glutton, so much so that
he married a woman named BonBon.
At this point the third man,
who had been a lawyer, stood up and said,
"Come on, Penny, let's get
out of here."
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Recently
a teacher, a garbage
collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the
Pearly Gates. St.
Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,
they would each
have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and
asked, "What was the name of the
ship that crashed into the
iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered
quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter
let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven
didn't
*really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him,
decided to
make the question a little harder: "How many people died
on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen
the movie. "1,228,"
he answered.
"That's right! You may
enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."
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Three
guys found themselves in
Hell: we will call them Carl, Bob, and Brett,
they were a little
confused at their present situation, and they were
startled to see a
door in the wall open, and behind the door was perhaps
the ugliest
woman they had ever seen. She was 3'4", dirty, and you
could smell
her even over the Brimstone.
The voice of the Devil was heard,
"Brett, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the rest of
eternity in bed with this woman!" And
Brett was whisked through the door
by a group of lesser demons to his
torment.
This
understandably shook up the other two, and so they both jumped
when a second
door opened, and they saw an even more disgusting example of
womanhood gone wrong. She was over 7' tall, monstrous, covered in
thick
black hair,and flies circled her.
The voice of the Devil was
heard, "Carl, you have sinned! You are
condemned to spend the re
st of eternity in bed with this woman!" And Carl,
like Brett, was
whisked off.
Bob, now alone, felt understandably anxious, and
feared the worst when
the third door opened. And as the door inched
open, he strained to see
the figure of ... Cindy Crawford.
Delighted, Bob jumped up, taking in
the sight of this beautiful woman,
dressed in a skimpy bikini. Then he
heard the voice of the Devil
saying:
"Cindy, you have sinned."
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There once was a rich man who
was
near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for
his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he
began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with
him.
An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but
you can't
take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel
to speak to God to
see if He might bend the rules.
The man
continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel
reappears and informs the man that God has decided to allow him to take
one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase
and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his
bed.
Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to
greet St. Peter. St. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you
can't
bring that in here!"
But, the man explains to St.
Peter that he has permission and asks him
to verify his story with
the Lord. Sure enough, St. Peter checks and
comes back saying,
"You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but
I'm supposed to
check its contents before letting it through."
St. Peter opens
the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man
found too
precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought
pavement?!!!"
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President Clinton died and knocked at
the
Pearly Gates. "Who goes there?" inquired St. Peter.

"It's me, Bill Clinton".
"What bad things did you do on earth?"

Clinton thought a bit and answered, "Well, I smoked marijuana,
but you
shouldn't hold that against me because I didn't inhale.
And I lied,
but I didn't commit perjury."
After several
moments of deliberation St. Peter replied, "OK, here's
the deal.
We'll send you someplace where it is very hot, but we won't
call it
'Hell.' You'll be there for an indefinite period of time,
but we
won't call it 'eternity.' And don't 'abandon all hope' upon
entering, just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze
over."
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