A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her
pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your
divorce?"
She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the
middle of
the property with a stream running by."
"No," he
said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made
of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.
"I mean," he
continued, "What are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and
uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's
parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"
"No," she replied, "We
have a two-car carport and have never really
needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your
marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't
necessarily
like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes,"
she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I
do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you
want a
divorce?"
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied.
"I've never wanted a
divorce. My husband does. He said he can't
communicate with me!"
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A friend
of mine just got divorced. He and
his ex-wife split the
house. He got the outside.
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I have this friend who has a real dilemma. His
wife
won't give him a
divorce until she figures out a way of
doing it without making him a
happy man.
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Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman
petitions the
court for a
divorce on the grounds that her husband
"beats her." The Judge,
wanting every detail asked how often it was he
beat the woman.
"Every damn time your Honor," she sighed, "Every
damn time
!"
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A middle-aged
Jewish guy is out to dinner
with his wife to celebrate her fortieth
birthday.
He says, "So
what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A
diamond
necklace?"
She says, "Bernie, I want a divorce." He says, "I wasn't
planning
on spending that much."
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What do a
hurricane, a tornado, a fire and
a divorce have in common?
They are four ways you can lose your
house!
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Miss DeAngelo was a
none-too-bright young
woman who had moved to Hollywood with dreams of
becoming a star.
She didn't find fame or glory, but she did encounter
plenty of men
willing to enjoy her plentiful charms, and soon she found
herself
called to testify in a divorce case. When it was her turn on the
stand, the lawyer came forward.
"Miss DeAngelo, the wife of the
defendant has identified you as the
'other woman' in her husband's
life. Now, do you admit that you went
to the Pricerite Motel with this
Mr. Evans?"
"Well, yes," acknowledged Miss DeAngelo with a sniff,
"but I
couldn't help it."
"Couldn't help it?" asked the lawyer
derisively. "How's that?"
"Mr. Evans deceived me." "Exactly what
do you mean?"
"See, when we signed in," she explained, "he told the
motel clerk I
was his wife."
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Ruby Alice walked up to
the desk of a
Bowling Green motel and signed the register with the
letter "O."

"Why'd you put that circle down?" asked the clerk.
"Cause Ah
can't write," replied the girl.
"Why don't you sign with an
'X'?" asked the man.
"Ah used to," she answered. "But when Ah
got me a divorce, Ah took
back mah maiden name!"
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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New
York and says, "I
hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you
that your mother and I are
divorcing; forty-five years of misery is
enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man
says "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so
you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
"Like
hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of
this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man,
"You are
NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get
there. I'm
calling my brother back, and we'll both be there
tomorrow. Until then,
don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, too, and turns to his wif
e. "Okay,"
he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving. Now what do
we tell them
for Christmas?"
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