A couple have not been getting along for years,
so the husband
thinks,
"I'll buy my wife a cemetery plot for
her birthday."
Well, you can imagine her disappointment.
The next
year, her birthday rolls around again and this
time he doesn't get
her anything.
She says, "Why didn't you get me a birthday
present!?"
He replies, "You didn't use what I got you last year!"
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Home - A -
Age Jokes
"That's an
excellent essay for someone your age," said the English
teacher.
"How about for someone my Mum's age, Miss?"

"Welcome to
school, Simon," said the nursery school teacher to the
new boy.
"How old are you?" "I'm not old," said Simon. "I'm nearly
new."

Miss Jones agreed to be interviewed by Fred for the school
magazine.
"How old are you, ma'am?" asked Fred.
"I'm not going
to tell you that," she replied.
"But Mr Hill the technical teacher
and Mr Hill the geography teacher
told me how old they were."
"Oh well," said Miss Jones. "I'm the same age as both of them."
The
poor teacher was not happy when she saw what Fred wrote:
Miss
Jones, our English teacher, confided in me that she was as old as
the
Hills.

"Now remember, boys and girls," said the science
teacher, "you can
tell a tree's age by counting the rings in
a cross section. One ring
for each year."
Fred went home for
tea and found a chocolate roll on the table.
"I'm not eating that,
Mum!" she said. "It's five years old."

Grandma:
You've left all your crusts, Fred. When I was your age I ate
every one.
Fred: Do you still like crusts, Grandma?
Grandma: Yes, I do.
Fred: Well, you can have mine.

How old is your
wife?
Approaching forty.
From which direction?

An
eminent old man was being interviewed, and was asked if it was
correct
that he had just celebrated his ninety-ninth birthday.
`That's
right,' said the old man. `Ninety-nine years old, and I
haven't an
enemy in the world. They're all dead.'
`Well, sir,' said the
interviewer, `I hope very much to have the
honour of interviewing
you on your hundredth birthday.'
The old man looked at the young
man closely, and said, `I can't see
why you shouldn't. You
look fit and healthy to me!'
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Fred: Have you noticed that your
mother
smells a bit funny these days?
Harry: No. Why?
Fred: Well, your
sister told me she was giving her a bottle of toilet
water for her
birthday.
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Fred: I was going to buy you a handkerchief
for your birthday.
Harry: That was a kind thought. But why
didn't you?
Fred: I couldn't find one big enough for your nose.
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A kindly old lady came across a little boy
sitting on the pavement crying his eyes out. 'What's the matter?'
she
asked. 'It's my birthday!' he hollered. 'And I had a
bicycle and a
new tracksuit and this afternoon there's to be a party
with crisps and
jelly and a birthday cake and a disco afterwards. .
.' and he had to
stop talking because he was crying so hard.

'But that's lovely,' said the old lady. 'Why are you crying?'
'Because I'm lost!'
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Sam's girlfriend's birthday was the same
day as his
father's. He bought his girlfriend a bottle of perfume
and his father a
pistol.
He wrapped the perfume and wrote a
note to his girlfriend, saying,
'Use this all over yourself and
think of me.'
Unfortunately he put the note on his father's
present.
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How old were you on your last birthday?
Eight.
And how old will you be on your next birthday?
Ten.
Oh, I don't think that's possible.
Oh, yes it is - I'm nine
today.
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Will you come to my party on
Saturday?
Yes, please, What's the address?
25 The High Street. Just push
the bell with your elbow.
Why with my elbow?
Well, you won't be
empty-handed, will you!
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